AUNTIE GAIL AND THE FRENCH FAUX PAS

It’s time for another short episode in the continuing saga of Auntie Gail and her travel misadventures.

Auntie Gail had never been to Europe. So, in the Spring of 2008, her sister, Joan, decided that it was high time for her to go. I found out late in the game that I was not invited – the plans had already been made. Not only was I disappointed that I was missing a chance for a European vacation, but I wasn’t completely sold on the idea of underwriting somebody else’s trip. But, it was a fait accompli.

Their flight from San Francisco to Washington was reportedly very bumpy, but the connecting flight went smoothly enough. They arrived unscathed at Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris the following morning. Since Auntie Gail has acquired every gadget and gimmick ever invented she, of course, was in possession of one of those handy passport pouches that you wear around your neck. It makes getting through Passport Control and Customs much smoother since you don’t have to keep fumbling to find your passport. Unfortunately, Auntie Gail was a bit groggy after the long flight, and her aim was faulty. Instead of depositing the document back into its pouch, she missed, and deposited it on the floor of Charles de Gaulle Airport.

This faux pas went unnoticed at the time, and it wasn’t until the girls arrived at their hotel that the problem was discovered. They were attempting to check in to the rooms they had booked at the Hotel Minerve – a cute, Left Bank boutique hotel. Less than 15 minutes after making landfall on foreign soil, Auntie Gail had violated the first rule of safe international travel. They first called the airport – to no avail. At the suggestion of the hotel clerk, they went to the neighborhood police station – no help. I soon received a collect call at home and was shocked to learn that the girls had spent the entire first day of their trip at the American Embassy in Paris.

Fortunately, Auntie Gail was issued a temporary passport, and the girls were then able to make the scheduled evening dinner cruise on the Seine that they had booked weeks before departure. Still a bit groggy, and worn out from the busy day, Auntie Gail managed to turn her ankle on the slippery steps down to the boat. Thank God she had foresight to bring along an ace bandage and a bottle of Ibuprofen which were tucked neatly beside the kitchen sink that she always carried in her purse.

So, everything turned out fine – the new passport was secured in the hotel safe, the dinner cruise was wonderful, and the views of the Eiffel Tower at night were spectacular.

The following day, Joan received an early morning phone call. At first, she thought that it was a Rhinoceros on the line. But it turned out to be Auntie Gail – and she had a terrible cold. She was obviously in no shape to go out that day, so Joan had no choice but to set out on her own. She walked around the Left Bank neighborhood on her own, strolled along the Seine and eventually passed by Notre Dame.

Auntie Gail perked up a bit the next day and was anxious to fulfill a childhood dream – to visit the Louvre and see the Mona Lisa. But, then disaster struck. The next day was a Tuesday – the one day of the week that the Louvre was closed. Auntie Gail was devastated.

This was all a giant plus in my humble opinion. I have never been able to understand why people would wait in line for hours for the privilege of standing on their tip-toes in the back of a room full of sweaty, obnoxious tourists, all jostling and elbowing each other to get a quick look at a small painting which I have always found to be underwhelming, and which could be just as well appreciated in a coffee table book – and this is all at the expense of missing so many compelling sights in this most beautiful of cities.

They were, however, able to visit the Musee d’Orsay – a much less stressful experience and probably just as interesting.

That evening, they boarded the sleeper train to Rome. Auntie Gail has always been subject to motion sickness. She had reportedly once gotten seasick while paddling around in a kayak in Hawaii. So, naturally, she requested the lower bunk. But, it wasn’t long before the gentle rocking of the train started to take its toll. Soon, she was really nauseated – and then, just plain sick. They had to skip the Dining Car, a meal they had been looking forward to. Of course, Auntie Gail had an assortment of over-the-counter remedies in her purse. However, none of these proved to be completely effective, and she got very little sleep that night.

They pulled into the Roma Termini Station in the morning only to discover that they had chosen a major public holiday on which to visit this most crowded of European cities. Their first objective was to sit on the Spanish Steps for a while – just to catch their breath and drink in the ambience. Unfortunately, not only was there no step to sit on, it was impossible to even identify a step, given the sea of humanity that was covering them.

An NFL quarterback would have had difficulty throwing three coins into the Trevi Fountain on that day – considering that the closest one could get to the fountain was about 100 yards. But the Vatican Museum and the Sistine Chapel were still on the schedule. The girls took a taxi to the Vatican but soon found themselves in an untenable position – at the end of a line of hot, angry, impatient people that stretched for more than six blocks.

The situation was becoming even more dire, because Auntie Gail was beginning to sense the earliest twinges of the traveler’s diarrhea that always paid her a visit at about this point in a trip. What to do? The situation was becoming desperate. But, then like a miracle – the Deus ex Machina appeared – a man with a stack of brochures who was willing to sell them a tour – not cheap, by any means, but the only viable solution. With no further ado, they snapped up his offer, and were escorted at once to the front of the line. Very soon, they were able to visit the Vatican Museum, the Sistine Chapel, and all 12 bathrooms located inside the complex

Next stop – Florence. They checked into their suite which had a view of the Arno River, and rested up after the long train ride. By the following morning, Auntie Gail was finally feeling a little better. Now that she was comfortably ensconced in one of the world’s most beautiful cities, and had begun to regain some of her strength, she figured that this would be a good day to do laundry. After spending the better part of a week mainly holed up in her hotel room, she had accumulated quite a pile of dirty, wrinkled clothes. She was so enthusiastic about the prospect of clean clothes that she decided to spend the entire day doing laundry…in the bathtub. The hotel room soon had wet clothing hanging from every door, window and ledge – all billowing in the gentle breeze that blew through the open window. With a bit more wind exposure, the room probably would have taken flight.

Joan was again forced to go it alone. She visited the Ponte Vecchio, Brunelleschi’s Duomo, and the Uffizi Gallery. This took the better part of a day and she was now too exhausted to see Michelangelo’s “David”. This would have to wait until the next day. They were also hoping to visit the Piazzale Michelangelo, a small piazza situated above the city which is known to provide the best views of the spectacular cityscape. They also intended to do a little shopping – never a cheap or easy proposition in this city full of tourists.

The next day worked out well and they were actually able to accomplish most of their goals.

The bus trip to Siena, which they undertook on the following day, turned out fine – such a beautiful city!

They decided to break their trip to Venice with a one-night stop in Bologna. Every seasoned traveler is well aware that anything you stuff into a drawer or closet at a short-stay hotel will be lost – you might as well throw it out the window. Auntie Gail had bought some nice gifts in Florence – a purse for her daughter, various glass and pottery items, and some jewelry. Nothing is cheap in Florence.

After checking in to the Bologna hotel, she neatly tucked the gifts away in the corner of the closet. They then went out to dinner and had the worst meal of the trip – in Bologna, the culinary capital of Italy. The next morning, the girl’s called for a cab. When it didn’t arrive promptly, they panicked, and decided to walk the few blocks to the train station. After boarding the train, Auntie Gail began to get an empty feeling in her stomach – and then she noticed that her gifts were nowhere to be found. She called the hotel in Bologna to report the problem – and contacted them several times after returning home. Naturally, the lost items were never seen again.

Venice actually went very well. The girls had booked two rooms at a boutique hotel. They were delighted to discover that they had a beautiful view of the Grand Canal. This was the high point of Auntie Gail’s European Trip. It would probably also be the high point of almost anyone’s European Trip. Venice is such a beautiful place – uncrowded and relaxed…unless, of course, you choose to show up in March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November, or December.

In any case, Venice was going very smoothly – at least until the dog incident…and the boat incident. As I mentioned in a previous post, Auntie Gail is an animal lover, and she just couldn’t help but reach down and pet the cute little Jack Russell Terrier who was sitting with its owner in the Piazza San Marco. The owner made a futile attempt to stop the inevitable – blurting out in Italian something like – “Don’t do it. He’s vicious”. But it was too late.

The bite was not life-threatening. It was, however, deep enough to draw blood and put something of a damper on an otherwise perfect day. The trip was drawing to a close. But the dog bite was not the final incident. there was still the trip to the airport to deal with.

To get to Marco Polo Airport in Venice, it is necessary to take a boat. With the long flight home looming, Auntie Gail knew she had to choose carefully from among the 10 pairs of shoes she had packed for the trip. She wanted to be chic and stylish, yet practical. But, her choice proved to be unfortunate. Immediately upon boarding the airport boat, she slipped and took a nasty fall. But, she survived the incident unscathed once again proving that a positive attitude and a little enthusiasm can go a long way toward making a bad situation better – and validating the rumor that her recent bone scan had been normal..

The flight home was long, but uneventful. Thus concluded a trip which, when all is said and done, could only be considered a success.